A History Lesson

Hello there, blogiverse. With an introductory post as depressing as mine, I thought it best to back this train up a bit so we can all get on board.

Rhett and I have been married for 6 years, and together for almost 12. That's right folks, we are high school sweethearts. We have waffled back and forth for years (literally) over the question of whether or not to have kids. I submit as evidence a blog post from 5 months ago:

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After being (and currently being) happily, blissfully married for almost 6 years, and with said spouse since I was 16 years old, we’re in a groove. A good groove, a really great, lovey-dovey, holding-hands-still groove. And you know what doesn’t groove with that? Screaming, pooping infants. It’s like a sitcom montage where we’re running merrily through a field only we’re interrupted by wailing. Turns out, we’re now parents and were only daydreaming about our life “before.” It’s like a different era-B.B. and A.B. Before baby and after baby.

So what’s the deal? Despite how infants don’t fit into our current lives, we’re thinking that maybe it might be a good time to see if we could find the room. And here is where it all goes downhill. We basically have revolving conversations that go a little something like this:

Me: We need to talk about if we’re having kids. We’re not getting any younger, and it might be a good time now that I’m in school and have a flexible schedule.

H: Yeah. Let’s talk about it later.

Me: We’ve been saying later for years now, we have to talk about this and make a decision one way or the other.

H: We don’t even know if we want kids. Shouldn’t we want them before we start trying to make them?

Me: Do you not want kids?

H: I don’t know, do you not want kids?

Me: I don’t know, I just know we need to talk about it soon.

H: Yeah.

Okay, play that on a loop for the past 4 years on a bi-weekly basis and you have our lives. We can’t seem to get past the existential, philosophical level of “wanting” children. What does that even mean? We know very few people who planned their children, and asking our moms is little help. I do not have the “burning desire” that they both alluded to. And after 6 years we still don’t “just know” like others have said. Still further advice suggests that at some point we just have to “go for it.” For what exactly? Leap into the unknown where the only responsibility is oh, I don’t know, a human being! We’re not talking about buying a car here, or even a house. It’s a person. How do we just go for it?

Part of me (a large part) thinks we’re overanalyzing things, we’re too much in our heads. This is typical of us, given the fact that we have 5 and 4 years of grad school under our belts, with a few more to come for me. I’ve been trained for years that it’s all about the mind, everything I’ve ever done has been academic. So how do I get out of my head? How do I think with my heart? What is my heart saying? I can’t hear it through all the logistical thoughts of daycare, diapers, money, nurseries, never taking a nap again, labor and delivery, researching and writing a dissertation, etc., etc.

When we try to slow down and listen, to really set aside all the above worries that will work themselves out, where are we? Right back at the wanting question; right back on the loop.

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MWAHAHA I laugh at you 5 months ago me. So naive, to think it were just that easy. To just decide, and that would be it. Well, it ain't (told you I was from the South).

Here we are, only 2 months in (I know, I know) to our TTC journey and no success. We've done everything right too. I've been temping all year leading up to this, our timing *ahem* has been great, and we've used PreSeed, all to no avail. So what gives, uterus?

In summary, (aren't you ready by now?) we are 2 months into TTC, something we weren't even sure we wanted 5 months ago. Which leaves me wondering how is that I can have everything I've ever wanted already, and yet long for something that doesn't exist?