Uterus Aches

There are two kinds.

1) The kind where you see a baby or toddler being so precious that you want to go straight home and procreate.

2) The kind that make you weak in the knees, break out in cold sweats, and make you think you're being stabbed repeatedly.

It's the second kind of day here at Tara. Lovely Aunt Flo arrived today in full force, SIXTEEN days after I ovulated. (Remember that 18 post-O temps is almost certainly a pregnancy.) So I wait, and I wait, and I wait and my uterus mocks me. "Think you're pregnant because it's been so long?" it says. "Just you wait, I'll remind you of the only thing I'm good for." And so it begins. The pains that rock my gut and make me want to crawl into a hole and pray for sleep so I won't feel them.

The pains that are no comparison to the ones that rock my heart today.

Auntie Scarlett

I'm the big sister!

That's the shirt I got when my brother came home from the hospital so many years ago. I was so excited for his arrival. I remembering "practicing" with my cabbage patch dolls. Since that day twenty plus years ago, my brother has been better at me in everything: looks, sports, metabolism, and now fertility. In fact, I think the only I'm better at was being born first.

I am so thankful that my brother is better at fertility than me. He and his wife have the two most brilliant, beautiful children that have ever existed. (Hey, it's my blog.) I can honestly say that these two tiny people changed my outlook on life. Before they were here, I wasn't sure about children for me. I mean, yeah, they're great and all, for other people, but not for us really.

And then he was born.

Four years ago, he was born and I haven't been the same. I love that little boy so much that it's physical, and I had never felt that way about anything before. Yes, yes, I love Rhett. But this is different. It's deep, like way down in the gut, it's primal, for lack of a better word. Like I would scale a mountain, swim to the depths, eat tuna fish or mashed potatoes. It's deep people. I look at that little boy and see a tiny little nose that was my baby brother's tiny little nose so many years ago. I see them together, father and son, and I got it. I get it now. THIS is life. HE is what it's all about. And if I feel this way about this one tiny person that I didn't make, then surely I can feel this way about a tiny person that I did make. So I was there, I was on board. I was "ready" (at some undetermined point in the future).

And then she was born.

Three years later, my niece came. Hold.the.phone.people! You mean to tell me that the feelings I had for this one little person can be more? I was not prepared for this. I knew I would love her unequivocally, but not this. Not in a way where I feel like my insides split open when I look at her, when I look at them together. Now THIS is what it's all about. A tiny baby girl with her momma's curls and daddy's eyes learning to say "Bubba". Be still my exploding heart. Get those two in a room with me, and the world falls away. It's all right there, everything I need. And yes, I finally realized, everything I've ever wanted.

So thank you, my Bubba, for being better at fertility. For teaching me that life is not about so many other things we try to make it about. For helping me understand that I do have a capacity to love that I didn't know I possessed. Thank you for my niece and nephew.



(P.S. I'm fully aware that this is not the greatest first picture to put on my blog, but I love it. My niece and I are so wrapped up in the moment, and in each other, that we are full out, eyes-closed, mouth-hanging-open laughing together. If that doesn't make a uterus ache, I don't know what will).

Welcome to my life HDTV.

What have we been doing all these years without you?

As a crazed football fan, I am most looking forward to tomorrow, and watching NFL in HD. I CANNOT WAIT to see Tom Brady sacked in HD. I get goosebumps just thinking about it.

Debbie Downer

CD 9 today. Temps are wack-ee. This could mean:

1) I'm up for another long cycle with no O.
2) Higher pre-O temps might mean higher post-O temps. So this MUST be the cycle that will work!
3) Absolutely nothing.

My mind is certain that it's #3, and means nothing. My heart however is leaning towards #1, and I'm not feeling hopeful at all about this cycle.

Things I Love Thursdays

I'll start this off right, with baby-related things I love. But I can't promise to always stay on topic.

First up, the gender neutral nursery bedding I'm currently loving, from Target:



And for cheap decor in an all-white, no painting allowed rental:
PAPER LANTERNS!!!





Pictures and other great ideas at Design Dazzle.

It's about to get crazy in here.

In order to be completely honest in this blog, I need to invite you all into my little corner of insanity and introduce you to Fake Baby. (Don't worry, there are cookies and cider).

Even though Rhett and I have yet to conceive, we've been waffling back and forth on it for over a decade, and I think that having babies on the brain for that length of time has led to my slight unhinging. Though we have no child to speak of, we do have Fake Baby. Fake Baby is often considered in our household, especially in matters of decorating. For example, "Well, we can't do the office/guest room in that color, because that will be Fake Baby's room." Yes folks, we decorated our room with the idea that someday, there might possibly be a child that resides there. Do you see how irrational this is? I do, don't worry.

In my defense, I would like to state that we have not purchased a single item for Fake Baby. I've had to talk myself down from a few sales but so far we have resisted. Though I do still kick myself for not buying the one-year old black crib on Craigslist for $50 (for me, black=love)! Also, I should note that when I say "we" I mean "me" and I think it's a way I try to make myself sound less crazy. Because if I brought anything home for Fake Baby, Rhett would give me the side-eye to end all side-eyes.

Now that we've established how completely irrational I am, we can move on all the fun things associated with growing a human. Like nurseries! And onesies! And socks that look like Chuck Taylor's!

All for a baby that doesn't exist.

2WW Hallucinations

The first 2WW, I was completely convinced we were pregnant. We were going to beat all the odds, and be successful the first time out. Not so much. I did have crazy dreams and was very tired though, which fueled the insanity. The second 2WW, I had no hope whatsoever that it worked (or so I lied to myself). I was however, super hungry. Still, nada.

So in summary, that time I slept 16 hours in one day; the night I had a sexytimes dream about Robert Pattinson; and the time I (seriously) got up from our Bible study, went to the kitchen, opened the fridge and ate deli ham straight from the container while people sat 12 feet away in my living room WAS NOT because I was pregnant? What's that you say, it's just that I'm lazy, fat, and have an unhealthy obsession with a certain undead teenager?

Great. Here we go again.

EDIT: But I guess it's not all bad right?